


It hurts.

by Jodie_barrett



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-29 00:55:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12619460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jodie_barrett/pseuds/Jodie_barrett
Summary: It hurts, everything hurts but Ciel had to do what was best for him.





	It hurts.

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of self-harm, depression, and suicide attempts  
> This is a one-shot based off of the song ''Running low'' by Shawn Mendes.  
> This is a reupload from my wattpad! I've decided to upload my fanfics on here too!!

**Weeks on end, I'm on the road**

**I start to lose my sense of home**

**I should've called so many times but I,**

**I just sat next to my phone**

Ciel laid staring at his ceiling, his eyes open dried of any remaining moisture. His phone buzzed beside his head, he chose to ignore it, he knew exactly who it was. He couldn't bring himself to face the boy on the other end, he knew he'd break if he answered the endless stream of calls and texts. He couldn't do that, his own mental health came first. He couldn't go back now, he had to be strong. Ciel's chest constricted at the memory flashing before his eyes.

**Just know it takes it from me**

**To end this darling**

_"I can't do this anymore. I can't I'm sorry. I have to end this." Crystal eyes stared at him, wide and shocked._

_"W....What do you mean.... I thought...."_

_"I can't. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry."_

_"NO! No Ciel, You can't do this. No! Please!" Ciel looked away at the begging boy before him._

_His heart ached at the sight, at one time he would have labeled the boy as pathetic but not now. Not ever again. He watched as the blonde collapsed in front of him, clutching his heart through his T-shirt._

_"It hurts Ciel. It hurts, make it stop. Please." The blonde begged, his usually happy, confident voice broken by sobs and raw pain._

_"I'm sorry Alois, I can't do this anymore."_

_"What did I do?! I don't.... I don't understand... What changed overnight Ciel. Don't you love me anymore?!"_

_"I do Alois but-"_

_"Jim. My name is Jim."_

_"Jim, I can't.... I'm not strong enough." Ciel felt his own tears rolling down his cheeks at the sight before him._

_The boy he loved so much, he didn't want to hurt him but he simply couldn't deal with the hurt anymore. He couldn't handle Alois properly he wasn't mentally strong enough. He knew his lover was damaged, he'd known from the start but he couldn't watch from the sidelines anymore. He'd begged the boy to seek help, to talk to someone, but the blonde refused. As Ciel watched his lover writhe in emotional pain he saw the glimpses of the cause of his own pain, gashes cut into pale skin and scars marring the softness of his lover's flesh._

_"I'm sorry." He had to leave, he had to go now or he'd take it all back._

_The sobbing got louder as he left the room, a weak hand grabbed his ankle but he shook it off easily. He stopped in the doorway and turned to face his now ex-boyfriend._

_"I love you." He mumbled one last time to the sobbing mess on the floor._

**And I know you'll find someone who**

**Gives you the time I didn't give to you**

**I'm running low**

**I'm sorry but I have to go**

**And maybe I will never feel**

**You gave me something so real**

**I'm running low**

**I'm sorry but I have to go**

School came around quicker than he would have liked, Ciel quickly dressed and tried to look alive as he walked towards that dreaded place. He dragged his lifeless shell to the gates and stared into the school grounds. He hadn't seen his ex since the breakup, he had purposely missed school both for his own well being and the well being of the blonde. He knew if he saw the boy he'd break and beg for forgiveness. He had to put his own mental health first, he kept telling himself this as he walked towards his locker.

He quickly unlocked the metal door and pulled it open. His heart ached at the image the greeted him. A picture. Of two people. One he knew well, a blonde boy with crystal blue eyes. A huge smile spread across his rosy lips. The blonde's eyes seemed to smile as he clung to a shorter male, this male seemed almost moody. His visible eye rolling at the contact and lips pulled into a frown. However, Ciel could tell, the boy in the picture was only acting. Deep within that blue eye, happiness could be seen. Another picture caught his attention, the same two boys that were in as the last one, only this time the blonde had attacked the smaller with a kiss on the cheek, this time the smaller boy was smiling a large smile. Ciel almost didn't recognize the blue haired male, he seemed so happy, now that boy seemed lifeless. Only surviving not living.

Ciel was pulled from his thoughts at the sound of a familiar giggle, he spun around to his blonde lover latched onto another male. This male, unlike Ciel, was taller than the blonde with dark hair and yellow eyes. Ciel watched as the two laughed down the halls, the blonde stroking the taller's hair and kissed his cheek. Ciel felt a pang of jealousy run through him but he knew it was stupid after all he had ended things.

**Thinking back to every night**

**That we just laid there for a while**

**And when I looked into your eyes oh**

**I never thought I'd say goodbye**

_Ciel hovered over his lover, both not daring to move, they were still connected by their most intimate places but they didn't seem to care. Alois was the first to move, snaking his arms around Ciel's neck and pulling their foreheads together. Ciel watched as nerves seemed to take over his lover, those crystal eyes flicking away briefly before boring into his again._

_"I love you." The blonde whispered, voicing his true feelings for the first time._

_Ciel felt his heart skip a beat and his mind go blank. He wasn't one to express his feelings, he had never been. All his life Ciel had worked on building a wall around his damaged heart to protect it from further hurt. He had worked so hard and yet the boy beneath him had somehow squeezed his way through a tiny crack, he had broken the shell and left Ciel's heart open to pain, to hurt but more importantly to love. The blonde had knocked down the walls and replaced them with gentle hands that caressed his heart and made everything feel right again. Ciel no longer felt the need to hide his feelings away, he no longer had to pretend he was strong. Alois had proven he wasn't going to run away no matter how vulnerable Ciel appeared to be, he had proven he'd protect his injured heart and nurse it back to health._

_"I love you too." And he meant it, he meant it will all of his damaged heart, with all of his blackened soul, with every fiber of his being._

_He vowed, in that moment, he would never hurt the precious boy before him. He would protect him forever, the boy would forever be his. Alois was Ciel's. Ciel was Alois'. That's what they would be from then on, connected by their hearts and souls till the time came they could be connected in the eyes of the lord as well._

_Little did Ciel know, this thought would be tested and his mental strength would be pushed to its limits._

**Just know it takes it from me**

**To end this darling, oh yeah**

**And I know you'll find someone who**

**Gives you the time I didn't give to you**

**I'm running low**

**I'm sorry but I have to go**

**And maybe I will never feel**

**You gave me something so real**

**I'm running low**

**I'm sorry but I have to go**

Ciel watched the two unintentionally throughout the day, he watched as his blonde kissed the dark haired male and hung onto him like a leech. Occasionally, the blonde would catch his gaze and a flicker of sadness would fill his crystal eyes, a small frown would tug on his lips but each time it happened the dark-haired stranger would swoop in and pull the boy from falling into the pit he could see himself falling into.

Ciel watched in silence as the stranger caressed his blonde just the way he liked it, running his fingers through those naturally messy locks. He watched as he placed gentle kisses on Alois' cheeks and held his hand so gently one would think it was made of paper. Sometimes, Ciel would catch glimpses of dark red gashes, they taunted him, almost laughing at his weakness. He knew he was weak, he knew he shouldn't have let the gashes get the better of him, but he also knew he wasn't what Alois needed. Alois needed someone who could be there for him 24/7 someone who could whisper sweet nothings in his ear and take away the pain he felt, Ciel couldn't do that it just wasn't the way he was. Instead, Ciel would resort to anger, would shout at the blonde for his selfishness, would scream at him that he should have told Ciel, that he should have asked for help. Ciel tried to force his blonde to seek help, not realizing professional help isn't what Alois needed, Alois needed his lovers help, he needed Ciel to be kind and compassionate. He needed him to be understanding, not to get mad, not to shout and not to scream. He needed someone who would hold him during his darkest of times, to pull him from the darkness inside his own mind not push him further into it. Ciel hadn't realized he was doing such a thing till he noticed the gashes getting worse, his blonde started losing weight, looking more and more ill as the weeks passed. Ciel knew enough was enough when his blonde was hospitalized, he waited till the boy recovered before he did what was necessary.

**Just needed time to, to find my own**

**But I promise someone will give you all you want**

**Can give you all you need**

**And you just gotta see**

**I never meant to hurt you, no**

_Ciel huffed at his phone as an unknown number rang him, now wasn't the time for phone calls. He was in an important meeting, he canceled the call and put his phone on silent. He stuffed his phone into his pocket and listened intently to the older male before him._

_After the meeting was over Ciel was shocked to find out his phone had 5 missed called from the unknown number, 2 from his brother Sebastian and 3 text messages telling him he needed to answer the called. He quickly rang his brother listening to the ringtone with a nervous heart, he had no idea why but he knew something was very wrong._

_"Ciel, you need to get to the hospital. It's Alois-"_

_The rest of the message fell upon deaf ears as Ciel's world crashed around him. He couldn't move, his heart was begging to see his blonde but his brain wouldn't give his muscles to the instructions to move. Using all his might he moved one foot in front of the other, slow at first till eventually, it turned into a sprint. He didn't bother calling a taxi as he ran, he ran for miles running in the direction he knew the hospital was in. Flashes of memories crossed his mind of a time he'd done this before but he ignored them in favor of seeing his blonde._

_Soon he came to the tall building, the lights shone brightly almost burning his eyes. He stopped dead at the automatic doors, looking into the waiting room. Inside he saw a familiar ginger-haired woman, sobbing into her husband's knee with a tissue pressed against her face. Her husband tried to remain calm but subtle tears ran down his cheeks as he stroked his wife's back. Alois' adoptive parents sat in the waiting room, waiting for news of their son. The ginger-haired mother's eyes flicked towards Ciel, who couldn't move. She slowly stood up, shocking her husband. She ignored his calls of her name as she walked towards Ciel. She walked out into the cold and stared at the blue-haired boy. Ciel didn't know what to expect but he certainly didn't expect her to pull him into a tight hug._

_"I'm so sorry." She whispered, her voice weak and barely there. "I'm so sorry, I should have known. I should have seen the signs."_

_Guilt flooded through Ciel like a wave and he tried his best to console the sobbing woman. He had known. HE knew all along. He should have done something, but he'd made a promise. Slowly the two made their way inside, sitting on uncomfortable chairs as they waited for news together, hands clasped together tightly._

_"Mr. and Mrs. Trancy?" A nurse in green came into the waiting room holding a clipboard. Mrs. Trancy shot up from her seat and all but ran at the nurse._

_"Mr. Trancy's condition is stable, though he's not awake. If you'd like to see him you're welcome too." Mrs. Trancy nodded and turned to Ciel._

_"Go." She said, shocking the boy for the second time that night._

_"Go. Go see him. He needs you more than he needs us." Ciel rose from his seat throwing a look at Mr. Trancy who nodded encouragingly._

_Ciel slowly followed the nurse, his mind spinning as he walked down sterile halls. The nurse didn't speak as she leads the way, opting to stay silent. When they finally reached the door Ciel felt a rush of nervousness, what would he do? what would he say? what would he see in that room? pushing he thoughts aside Ciel walked through the doors, his breath stuck in his throat at the sight before him. His blonde, His Alois was laid on a white bed that seemed miles too big for him. The blonde had wires attached to his arms and tubes forced down this throat, a monitor beeped next to his bed slowly monitoring his heart. His blonde hair fanned against the white sheets, he almost seemed to blend in with the bedding, his face was paler than Ciel had ever seen it, his arms seemed so thin and fragile, it was then Ciel noticed the bandages wrapped tightly sound the lower portions of his arms up to his elbows, small amounts of blood had seeped through the cotton and stained the once white fabric a dark crimson._

_Ciel slowly stepped towards the bed, his eyes stinging and his heart aching. Looking at the boy made him realize, he didn't have it in him to see the boy this way again. He realized then and there, he was not good for his blonde, it was his fault the blonde was where he is now. Ciel stood at the foot of the bed and pulled the boy's clipboard from the holder in front of him._

_'Alois Trancy._

_Self-harm and attempted overdose._

_Excessive blood loss from arms and legs._

_Unknown pills taken.'_

_Ciel felt his heart shatter, tears streamed down his cheeks at the information he read. It was then he decided, Alois Trancy was better off without him._

**And I know you'll find someone who**

**Gives you the time I didn't give to you**

**I'm running low**

**I'm sorry but I have to go**

**And maybe I will never feel**

**You gave me something so real**

**I'm sorry but I have to go**

'Alois Trancy is now in a relationship with Claude Faustus'

Ciel's phone slipped through his fingers and onto his bed, his heart tightened in his chest. Jealousy and sadness cursed through his veins, his heart felt like it was trying to rip itself free from his rib cage. A single sob left his throat before more followed. It has been years since Ciel had sobbed like this, years since he'd allowed himself to feel this much, years since he'd dwelled on pain and allowed himself to express it.

He sobbed till his eyes could cry no more, till voice hurt and till his body was weak from exhaustion. Even after he felt like he could continue this way for days, he pulled his knees close to his chest and hugged them tightly, everything hurt, everything screamed at him to run back, to take what was his, to erase the past. But what was done was done. His beau had moved on, his blonde was happy. That's all that mattered. Ciel's feelings were secondary to Alois'. If his blonde was happy, he would learn to live with the loss, he would find a way to cope. He'd eventually move on. Claude would provide Alois with what he needed, that's all that mattered.

Ciel would recover. His blonde wouldn't be hurting. And life would go on.

**Author's Note:**

> I really have no idea where this came from? i was feeling quite sad and this happened....alot of people are going to judge Ciel, to name call and to be horrible about his choice. But having a partner with any mental illness can be hard, especially if you're not mentally strong enough to handle the effects of the illness. I have been in both positions, having a partner with mental health problems and having them myself so I know the struggle for both sides!


End file.
